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From Darkness to Light: How Hitting Rock Bottom Transformed My Life!

Updated: Feb 26

If you’ve read about my Reiki journey you’ll know that at the beginning of my 20’s I wasn’t in the best of places.

I’m going to share a bit more about that part of my life with you here in the hope that it may encourage, inspire and support those of you who are experiencing the same kind of situation in your life right now.

Poseidon rising out of the seas with his trident aimed at a crumbling tower
The Tower Card (The Mythic Tarot Deck)

In the Tarot deck the Tower card represents those times when it seems the world is crumbling down around us – yes it is destruction, but it’s also the opportunity to create something beautiful out of the dust and debris.

It brings us the chance to move from darkness into the light.

My Tower started to crumble at the beginning of 1996 when I broke up with my ‘Fiancé’ – I’ve put him in inverted commas because he was still married at the time he proposed to me.

Like many other blatant untruths he told me I chose to believe that he was really going to leave his (pregnant) wife. I was in such a bad place that I couldn’t see anything wrong with wanting to be loved by someone who was unhappy in his marriage – yes, I know the likelihood of him leaving her was near zero but I was completely blinded.

When he came into my life I was vulnerable and suffering from depression - he saw that as an opportunity and, being the manipulator/compulsive liar that he was, chose to take advantage.

I ended the relationship the week before my 21st birthday (really great timing!) and spent the following few months drowning in a sea of depression, alcohol and marijuana.

The 1st week of January 1997 was the week my Tower completely crumbled.

In the space of four days I wrote off my Mum’s car, got made redundant and got barred from our regular waterhole over a simple misunderstanding, meaning that my girlfriends would either have to go out without me or we’d have to find somewhere else to drink.

Everything felt so unfair and unbearable – I couldn’t understand why all of this was happening to me, it was just one thing after another and I couldn’t see a way out.

I turned to alcohol. I would start drinking as soon as I got in from work – not sure how my parents never noticed the levels going down (sorry Dad if you’re reading!) and would be out every night drinking and it got to a point when I recognised that I was in danger of spiralling out of control.

It was my GP (local Doctor) who noticed during a routine check-up that there was something not quite right. He asked me how I was, really, and I just broke down. He suggested counselling on the NHS but told me that the list was 6 months long – I wasn’t sure at that point how I’d survive six months, I was desperate.

He saw it in my face and offered me counselling sessions with him. I saw him twice a week for 18 months – and no one except my two closest friends knew. My Dad only found out during a court case for (another) car accident a year later and the defence solicitor brought up my medical history.

I remember how proud I was of myself that day – I stood up in front of judge, jury, and most shamefully, my Dad, and explained how my depression had absolutely nothing to do with how well I could drive a car. I remember being so adamant and enraged that the guy was going to get away with it because I suffered from depression – there was no way I was going to allow that to happen! I won the court case.

Anyway, I digress! The counselling with my Doctor helped me so much – the simple fact of having someone there to listen, a stranger who wasn’t judging me or criticising me in any way, helped me to understand how I was self-sabotaging my life and slowly I began to crawl my way back out again.

I fully encourage you to find someone to talk to if you need to and I’m officially offering my free discovery call as a mini-counselling session for those of you reading this, just mention it on the booking form.

It was around this time that I discovered Spirituality. I’d always been aware that there was more to this life than we can see – I’d owned Tarot cards since I was 17, around the time my love of crystals came into being and regularly felt the presence of Spirit or received information about people psychically – but I’d never explored my own spirituality.

I was browsing the self-help section in a local book shop when I found a collection of short books that a guy had written about his journey back from rock bottom. I can’t remember either the name of the books or the author but reading those poems inspired me to keep going, to find the joy in the little things every day and to believe that it wasn’t always going to be this way.

Conversations with God, Book1 by Neale Donald Walsch cover

Over the next few months a book kept catching my eye in bookshops, I’d see people reading it on the train and overhear people taking about it. One weekend, I went to a local Mind, Body & Spirit festival and I finally bought the book - Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch.

I devoured it straight away. I couldn’t believe how much of it resonated with me, it was like reading a reminder of all the things I’d always intuitively known – you know?

When you know that you know that you know, but you don’t know how you know, you just know that you do!

It was also a precious treasure chest of knowledge and wisdom that made perfect sense to me, Truths that resonated deep in my heart. And it held the keys that set me free from my prison of depression and reliance on alcohol.

As did Diana Cooper, I have to credit her here too as it was around the same time that I discovered her and her incredible work with Angels, the angelic realms and our soul’s journey of evolution.

How did what I’d learnt in these books set me free from my depression, victim mentality and allow me to forgive both myself and all those involved? I’ll tell you now:

You Choose:

If you’re reading this then I’m going to assume you’re familiar with the concept of being a soul having a human experience, that your body is a vehicle for your soul in this lifetime. If not, please stay open-minded and only take what resonates with you!

Before you incarnated in this lifetime you met up with your ‘Soul Family’ – those souls that you have aligned with throughout your incarnations and share each life experience with albeit in different roles. For example, your Mother may have been your Husband in a past life, or your Sister could have been your Daughter. However you have chosen to interact with each other in each lifetime reflects the Soul Contract you have agreed to enter into together.

What does this mean? This means that together, before you’re born, you choose the experiences that you are going to live through and the relationships you will share.

You decide which lessons are going to help your soul evolve the most in this lifetime. You decide which experiences will bring the most growth and you map them out. It’s all planned perfectly so that your soul can evolve in the way it most needs to.

This doesn’t take away your free will and choice – these Soul Contracted Lessons will come to you in one form or another although nothing is set in stone and you will meet regularly with your Soul Family during your sleep to check in and revise any plans if required.

Do you get what this means?

You Choose.


If you can really recognise that as fact you can change your perspective, as I did. If my soul/higher-self chose it for myself, even unconsciously, how can it be ‘bad’ for me?

If I’m choosing experiences that are going to help me grow and evolve, even if I can’t see how yet, how can anything be a bad experience?

Ask not “Why is this happening to me, ask why is this happing FOR me?”

This perspective allowed me to find the positive in seemingly painful experiences and recognize the growth they offered.

I Chose to listen to my parents instead of following my heart when I came home from France – it took me a few more years to learn that this is my life and I don’t have to live it according to my parent’s or anyone else’s expectations.

I Chose to get into a ridiculous relationship with a married man to teach me who I absolutely did not want to be, amongst other things.

I Chose to use alcohol to numb the pain so that I could reach rock bottom and begin my Spiritual Journey.

And countless other experiences that I perceived as painful, or difficult – once you can find the positive, the reason you’ve brought yourself this experience and what it’s teaching you, how you’re growing and evolving, you will start to see, and live, your life from that higher perspective!

The other important point with this of course, is that if you’ve chosen it then surely the other party have also chosen this experience to help them grow and evolve in whatever ways they needed to in this lifetime. If you’re a regular follower or reader of my blogs you’ll know that I’ve said countless times that everyone is on their own journey with their own soul lessons to learn.

And you chose to share that experience with them, to help them grow in the way they most needed to.

I’ll just leave that with you a moment….

Does this change the way you look back on your most significant experiences?? (Feel free to use that a journal prompt!)

We’re all doing the best we can with what we have…

Neale Donald Walsch taught me this and I’ve lived by it for the last 25 years or so. If you’re a regular follower or reader of my blogs you’ll know that I’ve said countless times that everyone is on their own journey with their own soul lessons to learn.

And at any given time we are all simply doing the best we can with what we have in any given moment. If that means reacting through anger or hurt because an unhealed part of us has been triggered, agreeing to disagree on an important point because you’d rather avoid conflict or treating people with disrespect and unkindness because that’s what you learnt from your peers as you were growing up – we are all doing the best we can with what we have in that moment.

If you can truly understand and accept this concept then all hate, anger, disappointment or irritation has no longer has any place – how can you hate someone, or be angry with them for doing their best? Even if their not aware of it, you are – or you are now, and you can carry this forward with you from now on.

And that goes for you too. How many times have you berated yourself for reacting the way you swore you never would? For losing your temper so easily? For not giving that special person the chance to explain themselves? For never being able to advance in your life the way you dream of doing?

You’re doing the best you can with what you have – yes, you can better yourself and find different, healthier ways of reacting, feeling, thinking, doing and being…and I fully encourage you to do so! But for now, right now…you’re doing the best you can with what you’ve been given.

I’ve lost count of the amount of times Hubby says to me “But you usually say/do/react…”. I always tell him that yes, that may be so, but I’m not the same person as I was then, even if it was yesterday or an hour previous – and that I’ve taken the opportunity to learn from it and realise that there’s a healthier way of being/reacting/doing whatever it is.

And if I revert back again some days it’s ok – I’m doing the best I can with what I have…

...which encourages forgiveness

Because we’ve already established that if someone is doing they’re best you can’t be angry with them, or hold any negative feeling towards them - and if that’s the case then the reality is that there’s nothing to forgive.

Why do you need to forgive someone who has taught you so much about yourself and the person you want to be? Wouldn't you thank them instead?

How can you forgive someone who is only doing their best with what they have? You can show them compassion, understanding, love and gratitude for all they’ve brought you but there’s nothing to forgive.

This change in perspective will also allow you to instantly forgive yourself – for any hurt or pain you may have caused other people and for pain you’ve inflicted on yourself. If there’s nothing to forgive for someone else who’s doing their best then same applies for your – there’s nothing to forgive yourself for either.

There is looking back at the experience if you feel the need to, to gain further wisdom and understanding about what it’s taught you and how you’ve grown through it but go with acceptance and gratitude in your heart and eyes, not sadness, anger or regret.

Of course, not everyone lives through this higher perspective and there are still many people who believe they are ‘owed’ an apology for something or other – you may be one of them, or you may already be starting to see how your perspective limits your growth.

Holding on to pain, anger, hate or hurt will bring you the same lessons over and over until you change your perspective and accept the lesson to be able to move forwards – not to mention all of that negative energy building up could potentially manifest as physical ailments, do you really want to do that to yourself or would you rather just let it go with gratitude?

Of course there are life experiences where all of this is particularly hard to apply – but it doesn’t make it any less True.


In my journey from victim mentality to feeling blessed, I've learned some invaluable lessons that have transformed my life. I wanted to share these insights with you in the hope that they may inspire and support those going through similar challenges.

Through my journey, I came to understand a fundamental concept: I choose my experiences and lessons before I incarnate in this lifetime. With this realization, I shifted my perspective.

Instead of asking, "Why is this happening to me?" I started to ask, "Why is this happening FOR me?" Embracing this understanding, I released the weight of resentment and forgave both others and myself.

I accepted that we are all doing our best with the tools and knowledge we have at any given moment. This newfound perspective brought about a profound sense of compassion and gratitude, and I let go of the need to hold onto anger and hurt.

I encourage you to lead by example and adopt this perspective as well. Holding onto negativity only brings around the same lessons, holding us back from growing and potentially impacting our well-being. Instead, choose to see the lessons in each experience and be grateful for the wisdom gained.

I hope that my journey and the lessons I've shared in this post resonate with you. Remember, life may present challenges, but we have the power to transform them into opportunities for growth and understanding.

Embrace the truth that you choose your experiences, live with acceptance, gratitude, and an open heart and you'll find yourself truly blessed!

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